To The Chest

We've Moved

2009-12-22T08:17:00.001-08:00

Please visit our new and improved site at:
http://tothechest.com

'Twas The Night We Were Pumpin'

2009-12-14T12:21:00.000-08:00

by Pete Puma and Butch Suede

'Twas the night we were pumpin' when all through the House*
Not a ripped dude was liftin', not even Huge Klaus.
The bench press was empty, the curl bar was bare,
The smokin' hotties were gone, nowhere to stare.

Some dickwads were shakin' their big douchebag heads
While homos were lacing their gay little Keds.
And Butch in his lift shirt, and I with wrist strap,
Were liftin' some weights though we both felt like crap.

When out in the lobby, we heard something shatter,
We ran to the noise while the wimps all did scatter.
Butch ran to the lobby and I heard a loud crash,
"Fuck, Butch, what happened? Your head's got a gash!"

Then a huge dude and me were comin' to blows
We squared off to fight, and he kicked in my nose.
He stepped on my head while he chugged down a beer,
And walked over to pet some weird lookin' deer.

He was dressed all in red and man, what a dick.
He laughed, "Word up, asshole, my name is St. Nick."
Me and Butch stood up, we were done with that game.
And then he yelled out like we were all bein' lame:

Now bench press! Now squat thrusts! On leg press we're fixin'!
On incline! On decline! Now dead lifts we'll mix in!
To the chin up bar, to the medicine ball
Now pump away, lift away, lift away all!

As two twerps passed out doin' the chest butterfly,
Saint Nick threw them down and stomped on one's eye.
So to the bench press, Nick proceeded to shift
And it was clear to us all, dude knew how to lift.

He loaded on plates and gave Butch a quick slap
And when he finished his set, we all had to clap.
He bowed to us and said "Now, get back to work!"
So we ran to the bar to load, clean, and jerk.

Then he pulled up his shirt to check out his abs
Which is weird for a dude who never ass stabs.
Then he pulled out a bag that he called a sack
And reached in so deep, we could see his butt crack.

He spoke not a word, but the place went berserk
He whipped out a hot babe and gave us a smirk.
Then another and another came from the bag
Each hotter than the last and not even one hag.

A babe for every dude and sure, they were smokin'
We all cheered Saint Nick and no one was jokin'.
We each picked a hottie and left from the gym
And we turned to St. Nick but couldn't find him.

Then he sprang to his sleigh, and gave us a whistle
And made us all promise to wrap the love missile.
But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, stay ripped and stay tight!"

----------------------------
*The Rip House, that is.

Awesomeness Retreat

2009-12-13T16:10:00.000-08:00

A lot of fuckheads've been writing in askin' what the fuck's up with our blog cause nothin's been posted in like five fuckin' days. First of all, I wanna let you assholes know that it's an awesome idea to look at our site every couple a days cause we usually try to put shit up at least every other fuckin' day...which is like a crash fuckin' course in awesomeness, dudes.

Business in the front, party in the back, dudes. Awesome.

You twats who've been comin' around regular musta realized that To The Chest is the best fuckin' way to get huge, ripped and awesome fast as shit. And that's cool. Only thing is, you're probably not tellin' your asshole friends about us cause you're like those hot chicks who hang out with ugly fuckin' cunts to make themselves look even hotter.

Well, cut the shit, you losers. Start postin' our site's address all over the fuckin' place: Twitter, My Space, Facebook, whatever gay shit you use to tell your butt buddies all the shit they don't even wanna know about you. And while you're doin' your gay Facebook shit, shoot me a friend request so I can give your ass some one-on-one awesomeness lessons and shit.

So, anyways, the reason Butch and I haven't posted shit in a few days is that we went on our yearly "Awesomeness Retreat" last week. We do that shit every year for a couple a reasons.

1. To get closer to our inner awesomeness.
2. To get more awesome.

Now, I know you twerps are probably thinkin' "There's no fuckin' way those dudes can get MORE awesome," but you'd be dead fuckin' wrong cause awesomeness is like hugeness or rippedness...you can never be too awesome, huge or ripped cause that shit's like the fuckin' solar system...it goes on for fuckin' infinity and shit.

Who knew the solar system was so fuckin' crowded?

So, what's the awesomeness retreat all about and how do you have one? Well, if you didn't know that all retreats happen in the fuckin' woods out in the middle of nowhere, you're a stupid asshole cause that's the only place you can have a retreat.

Butch and I drive for like 2 hours, park my awesome low-ridin' Civic on the side of the road and run into the woods non-stop for like three hours. That doesn't sound like much of a workout but we each carry two cases of Muscle Milk so that shit makes it harder. We also take a couple a jars of vaseline cause all that runnin' can make your fuckin' nipples bleed, dude.

Once we're sure we're in the middle of Yeti country, we start our awesomeness exercises.

1. Kill a deer with our bare hands - You gotta be super fuckin' stealthy and shit for this one cause deers are real shy and whatever. You gotta hide behind a tree like a ninja and when a deer comes walkin' along, you jump out, grab its neck and strangle the fucker to death. Extra points if the thing has horns and shit.

2. Punch a tree to death - Sometimes it's hard to tell when it's dead cause it doesn't breathe and shit but punchin' trees is awesome exercise and killin' shit helps you feel more alive or whatever.

This faggot couldn't kill a fuckin' shoe tree but you get the idea.

3. Wrestle 3 times a day to see who's more awesome.

4. Have a rock eating contest - Most assholes don't know this but rocks are filled with awesome minerals and shit that you don't get from Muscle Milk. Rocks are like the 8th food group and shit.

Try not to look as gay as these dudes when you eat your rocks. Nice turd cutter in the background tho.

We do other shit but I don't wanna tell you all the crap cause then you'll know all our secrets to awesomeness and we don't just give that shit away. You gotta take private lessons from us and then we'll tell you how to get almost as awesome as us.

If you wanna do a retreat like ours, you'll have to follow a few rules:

1. No chicks, dude. Just two dudes. No chicks cause chicks, no matter how hot they are, just don't fuckin' get how a dude becomes more awesome.
2. No sleeping bags, tents, extra clothes...just Muscle Milk and vaseline. The fuckin' end.
3. You gotta stay out there for at least 3 days and 3 nights.
4. If one of you dies, the other one has to eat him and then tell everyone at home he just fuckin' disappeared and you don't know what happened to him.

Follow those rules, do our awesomeness exercises and make up a few of your own and you'll be on your way to supreme fuckin' awesomeness, dudes.

Keep pumpin'!

Go, Tiger, Go!

2009-12-08T18:50:00.000-08:00

A lot of assholes don't know this but Butch and I are huge fans of tigers...probably cause we think Siegfried and Roy are so fuckin' cool. They're not that ripped or huge but they're so fuckin' cool, they probably bag tons of chicks anyway and that automagically makes you cool.

I was searchin' the internets for some cool shit and I typed this crap in: 'Why is a tiger so fuckin' huge and ripped and where the fuck do they live, in the woods?" Did I find the answer to my question? Fuck no. But I did discover this dude, Tiger Woods. Dunno if you've ever heard of this fucker but I read he's been nailin' some wicked hot babes all over the fuckin' world lately. I guess he's some kinda hot shit golfer or whatever. Butch and I wouldn't be caught dead watchin' or playin' golf cause it's strictly for twerps, fat wads and gay dudes...just sayin'.

Dudes shouldn't play golf...and definitely not pregnant dudes.

Anyways, I was checkin' out some pics of this Tiger dude and I started thinkin', believe it or not.

1. This dude's pretty ripped for a golfer. He's not ripped for a muscle-dude but for a golfer, he's Ronnie Fuckin' Coleman.

2. What the fuck is up with this dude? He's black but he's got those slanty eyes like most of the smokin' chicks I was bangin' on my last vacay to the Philippines.

So, I looked up this dude's parents and now I totally fuckin' get it.

This's gotta be the story: Dude (Tiger's dad) goes to the Philippines for a good time, makes the mistake of knockin' up one of his little hos after some basket trick or whatever, ho's father sticks a bow and arrow (or whatever fuckin' weapons they've got there) in the dude's face and says he's gotta marry the bitch or he's gonna get an arrow through his fuckin' brain and bam, a couple months later, out comes a little fuckin' black golfer with slanted eyes. Douches tell you all the fuckin' time a pic's worth a billion fuckin' words and up 'til now, I thought they were full of shit. That story's not a billion words but it's close enough, dude.

So, anyway, fast fuckin' forward to a couple of years ago and this little black golfer makes it big time and starts rakin' in the moolah. Somebody must've given the fucker a concussion or some shit though cause he turns stupid enough not just to get married but to have a couple of little twerps. Tiger's wife is a total piece of ass and I wouldn't mind pumpin' her fulla jizz but between you and me, it takes a moron to marry a hottie no matter how smokin' she is.

Givin' Heidi Klum a run for the fuckin' money, dude.

But dudes make mistakes, right? Even Butch and I make mistakes, believe it or not. One time, we put so much fuckin' weight on the bar doin' benches that we snapped the fucker in two, dudes. So even smart dudes make mistakes. That's my fuckin' point in case you're a retard.

Tiger's concussion shit must've worn off though cause he figured out how stupid he was to get hitched and he starts bangin' hot chicks left and right...and that's fuckin' awesome, dude. A divorce woulda been a great fuckin' idea but since bitches get to take half your stash when you get divorced, it's better to stay married and bang all sorts of other chicks and tell your wife to keep her stupid trap shut as a nun's snatch...except for the occasional hummer which I'd never rule out.

Bet this slut has to beat the dudes down with a fuckin' stick, dudes.

So, anyways, I just wanna let everybody know how cool we think it is that this dude figured out how wrong he was and then went ahead and corrected that shit. Even if the dude's a fuckin' golfer, he's still the shit in my book. I'm gonna start a Tiger Woods fan club. As soon as everybody knows who this fuckin' dude is, I'm sure tons of assholes are gonna wanna join. Butch and I may get some sweet tail outta it too!

Keep pumpin', dudes!

You Can Make Your Kids Awesome, Dudes

2009-12-03T04:27:00.000-08:00

My sister and her pussy husband are raisin' puny twerps and that shit kills me. Every time I have to go to their fuckin' Pottery Barn-lookin' house, I wanna puke all over those little losers and throw my sister's husband through a stone fuckin' wall. Those little pussy kids are like 10 and they can't even bench 130 and if I wasn't so awesome, I'd probably cry about that shit.

I didn't say shit when those little assholes were babies cause you just gotta face up to the fact that besides bein' fuckin' annoying, babies are just weak as piss and I guess they can't help that or whatever. They've got those soft fuckin' heads and they can't do shit for themselves. To be honest, I'm fuckin' embarrassed that I was ever a baby cause they're always cryin' over shit that doesn't matter and they can't even beat up an emo kid. But whatever.

Whatsamatta? Somebody look at you weird? Grow the fuck up.

I'd fuckin' love to tell you that I came out of my mother's cootch ripped and huge but I never fuckin' lie. And how pissed would my dad've been about how I stretched the shit outta my mom's hole? I can beat the piss outta that fucker now but it wasn't always like that or whatever.

You assholes may not know this, but Butch and I grew up together. By the time we were 4, we were benchin' the shit outta the retarded kid across the street and that's pretty much how it all started. When we weren't embarrassin' the shit outta the other kids at school with our mad sports skills, we were makin' up new exercises to get ripped...and some of those exercises meant we were beatin' the piss outta anybody who looked us in the eyes. Beatin' assholes to a pulp is awesome exercise, by the way, as long as you finish the job right.

This prick isn't gonna get the beating he probably deserves cause those losers aren't even close to ripped...dude.

When Butch was 10, he told his dad that he would rip his fuckin' head off if he didn't buy him a set of weights so we got those weights and started pumpin' iron like stupid.

So, why am I tellin' you douchebags all this shit? I'm tellin' it to you cause there are way too many pussies in the world (like my nephews and shit) and if you make the bad choice to have a kid, you gotta at least start that fucker on weights almost outta the snatch so you don't end up with wimpy twerps runnin' around the house squealin' about pokeyman or whatever.

Don't let this shit happen to your kid. And if it does, kill yourself pronto.

At first, they'll bawl like sissies when you make 'em lift heavy shit like a million times but they'll thank you for it cause they'll be ripped and bangin' chicks twice their age when they're 10, like Butch and I were.

Here are a couple of tips for how to keep from bringin' another batch of pussies into the world:

1. Forget mother's milk, dudes. Use Muscle Milk from the get-go...it's the shit.

2. Never carry anything for 'em and if they don't have anything to carry, hand 'em at least a 35 lb. plate.

3. Make sure they know that swing sets are for pussies. They should be workin' the shit outta the monkey bars as soon as they can walk.

4. If you've got two kids, make the bigger one do squats with the smaller one on his shoulders.

5. Push-ups, dudes...and throw the smaller one on the bigger one's back if it looks too easy.

That should get shit started. Keep in mind that you're lookin' to hook the kid on bein' ripped as early as you can. That's not that hard cause only a fuckin' idiot will tell you that bein' ripped and huge isn't awesome. Once they realize how awesome they are, that shit will be like auto-pilot, dudes.

Keep pumpin', dudes.

Pete Writes Poetry Cause Poetry=Poon

2009-11-30T17:14:00.000-08:00

The Rip House has a gaggle of bangable hotties runnin' around, but every now and then, one that makes my nuts feel like they're gonna explode shows up. We're talkin' "extreme hottie" here.

Ouch...just ouch.

When that happens, like it did yesterday, I know I gotta work shit a little different if I'm gonna get any action. You can't just go struttin' up and throw out some tired line that works on your typical gym slut.

Your run-of-the-mill gym slut...at your service, dudes.

You gotta be fuckin' creative and you gotta act like there's some sensitive side to you or whatever. Butch tells me, and I believe him, that the easiest way to make a chick feel like you're not just lookin' to get into her pants is to write her an awesome poem...so you can get into her pants (sounds stupid, right?).

Chicks fuckin' love poems, especially ones that rhyme...cause if they don't rhyme, they'll figure you're some kinda emo faggot.

Chicks aren't into bein' on suicide watch 24/7 or some shit so, dudes, your poetry's gotta be fuckin' up-beat, confident and awesome if you wanna score constantly like Butch and me. If you can't write a poem, you can either stick to the merely 'bangable' chicks (who don't require poetry) or you can steal my poem (below). I don't give a shit...just send me a video of the two of you doin' it and we'll call it even.

If you could edit your schlong out, I'd appreciate it.

Chicks wanna think you're into more than their tits, asses and snatches so you gotta lie your ass off, like when you tell a cop you only had a couple of beers. You also gotta at least mention how hot you think they are, though, cause if you don't at least hint at it, they'll know you're full of shit.

I've used this poem at least a dozen times and it's got a 100 percent success rate, dudes. Happy bangin'!

----------------------
Awesome Queen
by Pete Puma
for [insert name here]

I saw you at the Rip House
squatin' like an awesome queen.
You can bench more than just the bar
and that's fuckin' cool, I mean.

Your spandex shorts are kickin'
I see camel toe when you sit.
I could spot your dumbbell benches,
but I'll be starin' at your tits.

I even went to spin class
with a bunch of real gay dudes
but was starin' at your awesome glutes.
Now I'm really in the mood.

Oh, and I'm sure you're smart as shit
like if Einstein was a chick
cause you count your reps real easy
like thinkin' doesn't make you sick.

Your face is super-pretty too.
Don't wanna forget to tell you that.
But it's hard to get past the body
when it's so smokin' hot, true dat.

I think we should get naked
after dinner, maybe a show.
If you don't bang on first dates,
think I could get at least a blow?
----------------------

Keep pumpin', dudes.

Thanksgiving For Shit

2009-11-27T03:24:00.000-08:00

I don't think about shit too deep. So when Thanksgiving rolls around, I hardly ever think about giving thanks for shit. I pretty much just think about eatin' shitloads of turkey. To be honest, I hardly think at all except about bein' ripped, gettin' more ripped and bangin' hotties. But I was watchin' some fuckin' show on the Discovery Channel about turkeys and how they grow 'em and shit and I thought, I'm gonna give thanks for the fact that I'm not a fuckin' turkey.

Those poor bastards get yanked from their mothers before they're even hatched and then, pretty much as soon as they're hatched, the guy turkeys get yanked out of there and never see a bitch turkey again unless they happen to be in the fuckin' oven with one at the end of the line and I'm guessin' it's hard to see when you don't have a fuckin' head and somebody stuck your neck up your ass.

I'd tag that. I wouldn't tell all my buds about it but I would. Then I'd eat that fuckin' turkey, dude, and do a little bodybuilder posing shit after it.

So how much does that suck for the dude turkeys? I mean, sure, they don't have to listen to the bitching and whining about shit all day long that we human dudes do but they also die unbanged unless they give it up the butt or whatever gay turkeys do. You gotta think oral is pretty bad from a turkey, right?

That shit wouldn't get within a mile of my junk, dude.

So how do they make more turkeys if they're not allowed to bang?

Get this shit...They "extract" the jizz from the dudes and put it in these fuckin' test tubes (turkey jizz, btw, looks pretty much like people jizz, which made me say 'duuuuude' about five times to the TV). Now, they didn't explain exactly how they do that shit but when I looked up "extract" on the internets, they said it means "to draw or pull out, often with great force or effort," which sounds fuckin' horrifying, right, dudes? So, bein' a turkey blows pretty fuckin' bad cause even cummin' sounds like it sucks.

"Goodbye, my virgin turkey friend, I'll bet you'll be the most delicious bird in the fuckin' store. Sex is awesome, btw."

I had to stop watchin' that shit after that cause I didn't want to know any more. Just the fact that I'm eatin' a virgin turkey on my club sandwich makes me wanna lay off that shit for a day or two...Dudes don't even get a chance to blow a load in a chick turkey and that's pretty fuckin' sad.

At least I know I'm not eatin' a turkey with VD or some shit...so that's somethin'.

Turkeys taste fuckin' good though so it's not like I'm gonna picket or whatever in front of Bore's Head's factory. I'm just not gonna think about that shit.

So, anyway, this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for the fact that I'm not a fuckin' turkey. E-mail us or whatever and tell us what you're thankful for. I bet it's bullshit and guaranteed we're gonna tell you what a pussy you are for bein' thankful and whatever...but you don't need to commit suicide over that shit.

Keep pumpin', dudes.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-26T07:04:00.000-08:00

Got Vagina?

2009-11-25T05:52:00.000-08:00

Got Vagina?

Dear Pete, Volume 1

2009-11-22T07:15:00.000-08:00

Between automatic Twitter DMs from assholes I've decided to follow and questions from readers about how to be huge, ripped and awesome, my mailbox is pretty fuckin' full. The gmail losers gave me a jingle the other day to tell me that I was "approaching the maximum" of space I could use up on their pussy servers so I figured I'd clear some of that shit out by answering a few questions.

Dear Pete: When I'm putting weights on the bar before I bench press, I like to put them on so the writing on the plates faces inside. Does that matter in my training? - Backwards in Boise
Listen, Backwards: You're fucking kidding me, right? Let me tell you a story. Some cunt I used to know decided he was going to wear his douchebag t-shirts backwards every fuckin' day. Did that make him naked? Nope. Was he colder? Nope. Actually, the only thing it did was let everyone around him know that he was a fuckin' douchebag who should be beaten to a pulp. I was the lucky guy who did that and I'll do the same shit to you if I catch you puttin' those plates writing-side in. So, to answer your question: it doesn't make any difference to your training but it's going to have a super-negative effect on your face if I catch you doin' that shit.

Dear Pete: How far down should I bring the bar when I do bench presses? - Wimpy in Walla Walla
Listen, Wimpy: Maybe you're a little fuckin' slow or you've turned your brain to jell-o watching gay porn but I'd like to point you to the name of our fuckin' blog. "To The Chest" refers to the fact that if you're doing a bench press and you don't touch the bar to your chest, you're a big fuckin' fairy. And if you don't bring it down all the way and you're prancing around telling people you can bench whatever was on the bar, you're a big lying fuckin' fairy. Next.

You probably don't have 4 fuckin' arms like this dude but you get the idea.

Dear Pete: I've been doing lunges lately to give my leg muscles some size and tone but they don't seem to be helping. Do you have any suggestions? - Lunging in Lexington
Listen, Lunging: First, it's 'definition' not 'tone'. 'Tone' makes you sound like a fairy. Second, lunges are for chicks and gay dudes. If you're one of them, then put some heavy fuckin' weights in your hands and carry on until you get knocked up or die from anal herpes or some shit. If you're not either one of those, do squats, and do 'em with shitloads of weight on the bar. If your knees don't feel like someone's stickin' a butcher knife in 'em, you're not doin' enough weight.

Dear Pete: There's a guy at the gym I think is really cute and I think he's caught me looking at him a few times but he hasn't come over to me. How can I get him to pay attention to me? - Hot Chick Who Wants Dick
Listen, Hot Chick: You're either an ugly whore or this dude's hidin' the sausage in the steam room...or both. A good lookin' chick starin' at a straight dude is going to get dicked every fuckin' time so there's some shit you're not sharing...so now, I'm guessing you're probably a lying ugly whore. You should probably start your dildo collection now if you haven't already. I wouldn't bet on anything warm in your snatch for a while.

Dear Pete: I keep notes on every one of my workouts in a notebook. I lost that notebook last week and I'm completely lost without it. What should I do? - Forgetful in Fresno
Listen, Forgetful: If you're so fuckin' stupid that you can't remember what you lifted last session, you've got way bigger problems than a lost fuckin' notebook...you're like that Blaster dude in Beyond Thunderdome or whatever. My advice to you is to try and find some shrink who can try and make you smarter or tattoo your weights backwards on your forehead so when you look in the mirror at your gay gym, you'll see what you should be lifting.

Dear Pete: What supplements should I be taking to give me the best results? - Curious in Quebec
Listen, Forgetful: It's hard as shit to figure out which supplements work the best when you're takin' every fuckin' one of 'em. More than half the money I make transforming twerps into ripped studs goes to buyin' supplements. I get some shit from GNC or whatever but most of the shit is Internet-only, ya dig? My advice to you is to burn Butch's muscle building shake's recipe into your puny brain and drink that shit 3 or 4 times a day at least. You'll be huge or dead within a month. Guaranteed. Either way, you'll probably be better off.

I'd love to answer more of your stupid questions but my schedule is busy as shit, dudes. If you assholes have pics or questions, send the shit in to tothechest@gmal.com and I'll try to help out.

Keep pumpin', dudes.

P90X?

2009-11-20T16:43:00.001-08:00

You Fucking lying sack of shit Pete! This isn't really P90X or is it?

The Video

Is this really P90? - Watch more Funny Videos

Carrie Prejean Is Awesome

2009-11-17T15:50:00.000-08:00

Let me just tell you first that I don't jack off all that much because I get a healthy dose of the real thing but the fact is, my balls make jizz by the bucketload and I'm not always somewhere I can just have regular sex.

Lately, when I need to fly solo, I've been thinkin' about Carrie Prejean and that's saved me a lot of time.

Now, when I told my mom that, she was totally skeeved.

Why? Some shit about a sex tape and gays gettin' hitched and fake jugs and then I stopped listening cause I couldn't get past the fake jugs part (which is super-awesome, btw) but then she said something about Larry King, shriveled up crypt-keeper that his ass is, and, just then, when I heard the name, it was like somebody poured a barrel of ice water on my nuts. She also gave me shit for not bein' able to say her name right but what the fuck, dude?

Fact is, Carrie Prejean is like a #3 pencil...totally fuckin' rare and super fine. My dick and my brain worked together on that one and that hardly ever fuckin' happens.

My wang way bigger than that, dude.

Anyway, I looked up all sorts of shit on the internets about this bitch and I was fuckin' impressed. First of all, a sex tape is fuckin' awesome. . .and when I heard that there were no guys in it, I popped a boner cause porn is the shit until some dude whips his dong out. That brings the whole party down, dude. Totally not into that...totally. To have an extreme hotty make a solo sex tape for a dude is like the ultimate way of tellin' him he's awesome.

When a chick who's almost too hot to think about goes and makes herself even more awesome by gettin' bigger boobs, it almost makes my brain explode. Be right back.

....Okay, so what was I sayin'? Oh, yeah, Carrie Prejean. Bitches out there will get all pissed off if I only talk about how insanely hot she is so let's talk about her brain.

First of all, she doesn't take shit from old dudes like Larry King and that's fuckin' cool. I never woulda seen a second of Larry King's news show except for the internets and the fact that Carrie Prejean is fuckin' awesome. I searched for that shit for forever. The way she almost walked off his show even though she was on tv in front of the whole fuckin' world showed every asshole that she's smart as shit, I think.

Hell on the left, heaven on the right, dude.

OK. Enough about the brain. I heard that she didn't just get bigger boobs, she made somebody else pay for that shit and that's more proof she's got a brain the size of the hindenberg or whatever.

When I was searchin' for naked pictures of the newest entry to my spank bank (Carrie Prejean, btw), I saw some shit she said about gay dudes gettin' married and I couldn't help but think, "Dude, gettin' married is a bad fuckin' move in the first place. Why would any dude want to do it with another dude?" If I was ever in some pageant or whatever and I was gonna answer the question they asked her, I'd say some shit like, "Dude, I'm cool with two hot chicks gettin' married as long as they go both ways and they invite me over a lot but for everybody else, it should be against the fuckin' law."

But I'm not gonna get a chance to answer that question because they don't give a shit about what super-massive bodybuilders think. They just wanna see our totally buff muscles poppin'...and I'm cool with that.

Keep pumpin', dudes.

Pete Puma Can Make Your Dreams Come True, Dude

2009-11-13T14:15:00.001-08:00

You know those dudes who look like they might be in shape with their shirts on and then, they take their shirts off and they look like some 3 year old made them out of fuckin' clay? They bug the shit out of me. I just had to say that.

Anyway, one of those dudes walks up to me at the Rip House last year and says some shit like, "You walk around like you own the place. It's not so great bein' ripped." A few years before this, I would have torn that dude's head off his scrawny excuse for a body but my parole officer told me that when shit like that happens, I need to take a deep breath and picture myself in the pokey for a few years without any poon.

So, I did that and then I grabbed his scrawny arm, pulled him over to the bench press and told him that if he moved, I'd wrap his limp little dick around his neck and strangle him with it. So, he stayed there. I loaded up that fuckin' bar until it was gonna snap in the middle and did 30 reps without losin' my fuckin' breath and said, "Not so great bein' ripped, huh? You wanna try?" And right there, in front of a couple of other ripped dudes and some extreme hotties, he pissed his pants.

After I made him lick that shit up, I told him that if he gave me half of everything he made for the next year, I'd transform him from like Bruce Banner to the fuckin' Incredible Hulk and shit. Then the pussy starts cryin' like he was just pulled out of his mother's snatch and nods his pussy head.

Sounds like the beginning of an awesome fairy tail, right? Well, it fuckin' is and that's why it sounds like that or whatever. So, I quit my job and started workin' this guy out like fuck. I taught him almost all my awesome techniques or whatever and whenever he'd start whimpering like a sissy, I'd tell him that if he didn't stop, I'd punch him in the brain right through his big gay shnoz. And that kept him motivated or whatever.

So, where is that wimpy dude today? Well, he's a totally ripped dude who follows me around The Rip House like I'm Lord of the Iron or whatever and he bags scads of poon, usually my sloppy seconds but still, it's poon, I tell him. That dude now knows that he was totally fuckin' wrong about it not bein' so great bein' ripped...cause it's fuckin' awesome, dude. Totally fuckin' awesome.

These two faggots aren't us but still, they're pretty ripped.

Now, I'm bound to have kids one day cause whenever I'm not pumpin' iron, I'm usually bangin' some hotty and I fuckin' hate rubbers. And you know what I'm gonna do when my little stud is goin' to bed at night? I'm gonna tell him that fuckin' story word for fuckin' word cause if it wasn't a gay word to use, I'd say that story was beautiful.

Old Folks Home

2009-11-13T07:33:00.000-08:00

Let me just start this post by telling you that a while back, Butch and I got into a little trouble. Let's just say that it didn't lead to any jail time but that the judge was creeped out enough to give us a healthy dose of community service for our "crime". And don't get me started on that pussy of a lawyer we had.... might as well have been beatin' his meat in the courtroom. Fuckin' useless.

Crabby old dyke

Anyway, long story short, we ended up doin' some fucked up exercise program for crusty old farts at an ancient folks home in our town to make that skank of a judge happy. I guess she saw how fuckin' ripped we were and decided that we had to do something that had something to do with bein' ripped. She talked some shit about it bein' the only thing we maybe knew something about and when I tried to tell her how awesome we were at baggin' hotties, she slammed the fuckin' hammer on the bench and tossed our asses out of there. Teachin' wimpy twerps how to bag tail doesn't count as community service, I guess. Too bad about that shit cause teachin' those half-dead geezers anything about gettin' huge is like teachin' a cop how to not be a douchebag.

Like this shit's going to get you ripped. What a joke.

Our first day at the fogey farm was rough. First of all, there's not a fuckin' weight bench to be found in the place and all they had was these little dumbells I could've swallowed when I was two. So Butch and I had no clue what to do cause there was no way we were gonna get those wrinkly sacks of skin ripped with those piddly weights. Butch was thinkin' that we could get some of the dudes who weren't totally wimpy to bench some of the old biddies. Those faggy nurses put the keebosh on that quick though.

So, here are some of the do's and don'ts Butch and I learned:

1. DON'T - When you're rappin' with the dudes who run the joint, don't bitch about the smell or call the place a "waiting room for hell" or whatever. It makes the convos go a little smoother and shit.

2. DO - NOT assume that just cause some old grandma has no teeth, she gives a good hummer. Just kiddin', dudes. Now's a good time to remind you that only hotties get to touch the goods. That's a hard and fast rule Butch and I have and it's a good thing cause we've gotten more than a few skeevy offers...and some of them were from old DUDES!

3. DON'T - When you're teaching some old fucker how to throw a punch, don't tell 'em to pretend their pillow is a nurse, especially when there's a nurse in the room. That pisses them off for some reason and clues them in to how much these old dudes hate them.

4. DO - NOT use a walker to teach dips. First of all, these fossils can't do one. Second, it makes them crap their pants when they try. Don't ask me why.

5. DON'T - yell shit like "squeak another one out, you pussy" or "run faster, death's right behind you". That shit pisses the visitors off.

6. DO - NOT assume fogies know what it means to "tap out". Half these fuckers can't tell a pile of shit from a meatloaf. Plus, they pass out real easy.

7. DON'T - help these fuckers escape know matter how much they promise to pay you. First of all, they don't carry shit for money and second, they don't know where the fuck to go.

8. DO - NOT get all in their faces if they don't say anything back when you're talkin' to 'em and shit. I guess some of them don't say shit to anybody, like some stuck-up bitch. That's just the way they roll and no amount of screaming at them is gonna change that. Fucked up.

9. DO - accept the fact that fuckers in these places consider EVERYTHING "exercise". It's fucked up. Gettin' up to take a dump is like a day's workout for these geezers.

10. DON'T - Just because these fossils are allowed to say shit like "wet back", "kike bastard" and "bull dyke" and talk all sorts of shit to the nurses without gettin' the snot beat out of them doesn't mean that you can do it too. I guess the fogies get special treatment or whatever.

Keep pumpin', dudes.

Butch’s Sweet Muscle Building Shake

2009-11-10T11:14:00.000-08:00

Butch’s Sweet Muscle Building Shake

The best muscle-building shake in the universe

Many guys who lack in the muscle department ask my advice on getting totally ripped. First, the most important thing is lifting massive amounts of weight! Don’t be fooled by these hand-holding trainers who tell you to do smaller weight with more repetitions, THAT’S TOTAL BULLSHIT!!!! You must and I repeat YOU MUST lift weight that is greater than your capabilities. Do not start light and work your way up, instead start high and get ripped.

My second bit of advice for the muscularly challenged is proper nutrition. Eating the right garbage is important for being healthy and more importantly for having an excellent appearance. Women and children are scared of fat people (except Santa), they subconsciously feel a threat of being crushed or eaten. Skinny people do not succeed in business because they tend to look shifty or mousy. Lets face facts you’re best off looking muscular in this world. Lay off the pork rinds and yoo-hoos. Below I share with you the ultimate muscle building elixir. Your muscles will grow faster than cancerous tumors! One week on this stuff and your life will change completely!

Ingredints:

1) Whey – 3 heaping scoops of your favorite whey. My favorite brand by far is Knor Whey.

2) Bologna - 3 slices Oscar Meyer Bologna. Very high in muscle building nitrates.

3) Goats Milk- 2 Cups. Extremely high in awesomeness and calcium.

4) Jalapeño- 1 medium size. Seeded unless you want to shit fire. Spicy food wards off muscle eating cancers.

5) Dingle berries – ½ a cup. High antioxidants. You may substitute blueberries if you don’t have dingle berries.

6) Creatine- 1 massive scoop. This shits like mothers milk!

7) Popes Nose – 2 popes noses. Please cook to avoid getting salmanilla. Chickens asses are chocked full of good shit.

8) Brown Eggs – 3 brown eggs to get you pumped. The picture has 4 eggs but you only need 3.

9) Castor oil – 2 TBSP. Gets your body moving.

10) Pickle – 1 med sour pickle. Excellent source of brine and other salty shit.

Preparation - Very easy to prepare. Just put the crap in a blender and mix. Makes 2 servings that will keep you awesome.

Keep on Pumpin!

Butch

Kirk Fontaine, where are you?

2009-11-10T04:22:00.000-08:00

Butch and I got a message from some pussy-boy the other day, telling us that we didn't know what the fuck we were talkin' about. We sent him a message back, telling him that only twerps unfollow To The Chest on Twitter...with a pic to showcase our mad photoshoppin' skills.

Dude wrote back tellin' us that just proved his point...which makes as much sense as some pudgy dude from Ohio tellin' morons how to get ripped. I e-mailed the dude back, telling him how I felt about his crappy brain...in a picture...Again, showcasing mad photo editing skills:

If any more of you pussies have anything bad to say about us or even hint that we might not be ripped, huge or experts on how to get ripped and huge, you can expect the same shit from us. If there's one thing we can't stand for, it's dudes sayin' we don't know our shit.

Prescription for Testicles - cause you need it

2009-11-07T05:37:00.000-08:00

Dudes & Chicks at the Gym, Part 2, The Chicks

2009-11-05T11:00:00.000-08:00

I have to tell you that I had a hard time with part one of this post because if there's one thing ripped dudes hate to do, it's to talk about other guys cause it's hard not to sound like a gay dude when you do it.

Now, part 2, this should be pretty easy because I'm good at almost everything but the two things I'm better at than everything else is lifting weights and baggin' chicks and that's mostly because I know everything there is to know about both.

Before I get started, I just want to let you ladies know that one of the many services we provide for The Rip House is chick body evaluations. So, if you wanna send in a picture of yourselves, we'll evaluate you and let you know what category you fall into. We can't post naked pictures on the blog because of the fact that we're a family operation and we've got a bunch of kids visiting and shit, comprende? If you feel the need to send naked pics, just know that our responses will be private and you are responsible for any damage to our keyboards.

So, let's get started, huh?

1. Old Hags

Anorexic Grandma - This might be the most frightening spectacle at the gym. Bones, wrinkles, more bones and tights. I'm shivering right now. These chicks are usually way too fuckin' flexible and it makes you want to barf because they make you think you're seein' shit you shouldn't be seein' even if you can't really see it (freaky, dude). I can't write anymore about this because computers break when you toss your cookies on them. I know.

Too Little, Way Too Late - You wonder why these chicks are even at the gym at all, like they couldn't find anything better to do with their husband's pension check than to join a fuckin' gym. To these "ladies", I say, "Die, already. You're blocking my view of the bangable hotty workin' her groin."

2. The-Chick-Who-Was-Hot-But-Just-Had-a-Kid-and-Needs-To-Work-Like-Fuck-To-Get-Back-In-Shape Chick
Now, I have no problem if some chick wants to go and ruin herself with a rugrat as long as she isn't on my list of chicks I intend to bang at some later date. Some chicks, like Heidi Klum, are immune to the bad shit that happens to babes who have kids (like werewolves and regular bullets) but most of you ladies can kiss your hotness goodbye as soon as you piss on that stick and it gives you the bad news.

3. The-Never-Was-Hot-But-Wants-To-Make-A-Go-of-It Chick
Yeah, I know. Everybody wants their couple of seconds of hotness but some chicks just weren't meant to have it. I think it's cool if they want to give it a shot but I'll let you in on a little secret as long as you don't tell a fuckin' soul...If you spend the first 20 something years of your life looking like some sort of mutant earth pig, the gym isn't gonna change that. Let's face it...you ladies are at the gym only to make everyone suffer with your ugly mugs. Plus, a pig with muscles is just gross. Don't wear tight clothes and act like you've got a chance with me and everything will be fine. Butch may want to knock boots with you though because his standards are super-low. (Hear that, Butch? Just kiddin', buddy-boy)

See? STILL not bangable.

4. The-Chick-Who-Looks-Like-She-Spent-The-Last-30-Years-In-A-Bacon-Factory-and-Took-Her-Pay-In-Bacon Chick
These are the fat chicks who think that, because they lost like 30 pounds, they can strut around in spandex body suits. Let me tell you something. If you were 300 pounds and you lose 30, you're still a fat pig and no one wants to see your rolls sloshing around. These are the chicks who ruin my mental image of the Rip House's ladies locker room.

5. The-Horrendous-Hag-Face-Attached-To-A-Smokin-Hot-Bod Chick (Butter Face)
I feel fuckin' horrible for these chicks. I do. I hardly feel bad for starving kids but I feel like shit for these broads. They work the shit out of the gym and they can probably beat the piss out of most of the pussies doin' half-benches but, when push comes to shove, a gargoyle face is a gargoyle face. Sure, they may get a bang or two out of the desperate twerps at the gym but that's where it's probably gonna end because, let's face it, you can't go to dinner and a movie naked without getting arrested and that kills the butter face's chances at a regular bang from just about any dude. My advice is to go somewhere that blind dudes hang out and hope they never come up with a cure for fucked up eyes or whatever.

6. The Reverse Butter Face
These are chicks who have bodies that Satan thought up and a face on the good side of 'eh'. Butch thinks I'm gay as shit for even mentioning this chick because any chick who doesn't have a body made for bonin' is like fuckin' invisible to that musclebound stud. Me? I'm sensitive. I don't feel so bad for these chicks because there's some hope for them unless, of course, they were born to have itty-bitties and an ass as wide as the U.S.S. Whatever. Still, there's plastic surgery and everybody knows that huge hooters make up for an awful lot, fake or not.

7. The-Full-Package-Chick
Two words for you, dude: spank bank. It's only a matter of time before I make a move or two on this brand of hotty because it's not like seein' twerps posing in the Rip House mirrors. These chicks are fuckin' hard to find. You gotta make your move when you spot one. I could give a whole 10 year long class on how to bag 'em but I can't waste my time doin' that shit when I've got my own needs if you know what I mean. I'll post a couple of tips some other time. Just know that I'm not gonna let you in on the super-secret crap because that shit's fuckin' confidential or whatever.

Awww, Christ. Anybody got a tissue?

Keep pumpin', dudes!

Butch's 10 Rules of the Gym

2009-11-04T10:22:00.000-08:00

Butch’s 10 Rules of the Gym
(Gym Etaquit)

1) Never Make Eye Contact – If you make eye contact with another dude you will definitely be labeled a Gaylord, so don’t do it. If you make eye contact with an excellent babe you’ll probably get a beat down by someone like me, cause she’s taken.

2) Can I work in – NO YOU MAY NOT ASS CLOWN! If I’m working the bench the last thing I need is some pipsqueak asking to cut in. Find your own machine nut sack!

3) Walking Through the locker room nude – What the fuck are you thinking!!! The last thing me or anybody else needs is to see is your goddamn veiny little dick swinging in the breeze. WEAR A TOWEL FUCK HEAD!

4) Leaving sweat on the machines – There’s always some fat turd sweating up a storm and leaving a pool of sweat on every machine he or she failed on. Wipe up your sweat fatso, its bad enough looking at you let alone lying in your fatty liquids.

5) Grunting and screaming – I’m sick of hearing newb bodybuilders grunting and screamin when there lifting some minuscule amount of weight! SHUT THE FUCK UP! You sound like little baby girls not men. You better pray I’m not around to hear your hollering cause I’ll put my size 13’s up your sphincter.

6) Steam room nudity – The deal is simple, if you’re in the steam room and naked you’re an ass bandit. Stick with the Zigfreid and Roy show. DITTO ON THE TOWEL FUCK HEAD!

7) Hair Gel – Message to all Latinos and Italians: Clean up the oil slicks that you leave on the benches. You dudes should definitely consider the dry look instead of looking like Don “fucking” Ameche.

8) Body odor – Wash your bodies and your friggin clothes! Some of you guys smell like stumble bums and some of you mamas smell like the shit house door on a tuna boat! WASH!!!!!!!

9) Farting – I know lifting 50 pounds puts so much pressure on some of you guys that you let out massive farts. The good news is your trying. The bad news is that your farts are sickening and me or someone else is going to fuck up your face. Save your farts for your wives and mothers.

10) Dropping the weights - If your lifting don’t fucking drop the weights. It scares the shit out of everyone and disrupts our karma. Once again, if you did this at the rip house I’d tear your cock off.

KEEP ON PUMPIN

Butch Suede

Dudes & Chicks at the Gym, Part 1, The Dudes

2009-11-02T07:55:00.000-08:00

Anybody who hits the gym as much as Butch and I do sees a shitload of people who are trying to get buff. Most of them are walking epic fails, some are just trying not to be pudgy and others take the shit seriously. Butch and I like to play a game where we put them in categories and since there are so many categories, I'm splitting this into two posts...The Dudes and The Chicks. In Part 1, I'm going to talk about the Dudes. Let's get started, huh?

Novices

Slobs - You see these dudes constantly at the Rip House, takin' some tour, "working" with a personal trainer (don't get me started) or shit...They look around, see dudes like me and Butch and think the muscles come with the annual fee. So they sign up for the year, start some lame-ass workout where they walk on the treadmill for 20 minutes and do 10 reps of 100 pounds on the bench. After a couple of weeks, they realize they're still fat turds and head on over to the grocery store to load up on ice cream, frozen pizzas, Twinkies and whatever so they can sit in front of the TV and beat off to The Deadliest Catch or some shit.

Weaklings - Classic "90 pound weekling" thing. To them, I say, "You can eat all the fucking Chunky soup you want but you're still going to be the wiry loser getting a hernia carting your gay laptop to the renaissance festivals unless you pump some iron." These dudes are real casual because, since they're not "fat", they think they're just going to "add muscle" to "perfect" their physiques. They strut around the gym like they belong but I'm here to tell you that they don't. They actually belong on art museum tours with their frumpy, glasses-wearing, frizzy-haired, geek girlfriends.

Gay
Closet - These dudes can look like almost anything so they can be hard to spot. There's the gay gym teacher, the feminine accountant, the sissy chiropractor...the list goes on. There are two giveaways they all have in common though:

Running - a gay dude's a gay dude's a gay dude, dude. Even the gay dude who's in the darkest corner of the biggest closet on the planet can't hide the fact that he pirates booty when he's on the treadmill. It's something about the stride. Take a look over at the treadmills next time you're pumpin' iron and you'll know what I'm sayin'.
Looking - gay dudes try to take quick glances at buff bodies so Butch and me catch 'em this way constantly. This can be tricky with all the fuckin' mirrors everywhere at the Rip House but spend as much time gettin' ripped as we do and you know when some rump ranger's eyin' the goods. Butch tells me (and I believe him) that he can tell exactly what part of his body is the object of gay boy's desire just by the heat. Those gay stares are like lasers, he says, and I believe that.

Flaming - These dudes make no secret of why they're at the gym. Lot of times, they're pretty buff because guys know that other guys are into looks. They stare and skeeve the shit out of every other guy in the place (except the other gay dudes). Butch and I make sure that if there's a flamer in the steam room, we go right in there because it's fun to torture rump rangers with shit they'll never get.

Crazoidal

I like to call these dudes "Shiners" because they're The Shining kinda crazy. Dudes who aren't ripped and huge are afraid of shiners cause they have that look in their eyes. You know, the one that says, "If you turn around, I'm gonna clonk you on the head with a dumbell for no reason." Good thing for me and Butch that we've got each other's backs and plus, even a total sicko wouldn't mess with either one of us. They're crazy but they're not suicidal. Shiners are easy to spot. They can wear almost any kind of clothes except ones that most people think belong at the gym. They're wearin' workboots or jeans, yarn hats, ski masks, whatever. They don't do aerobic workouts and they grunt a lot and make weird fuckin' noises when they lift. Wipe down any equipment you use after these dudes. You just never fuckin' know.

Old

I can't figure these Jack LaLanne fuckers out. There's no reason for them to be even slightly buff except to maybe bag some ancient cobwebbed tail... but buff they are, at least for old dudes. This may be the worst thing to see at the gym for a couple of reasons:

It kills me to see that, even if you keep going to the gym for eons, you're still going to end up looking like some wrinkly old fruit everybody's lookin' at, trying to figure out what you're doing still alive, much less benching 200 pounds.
It's just creepy, especially in the locker room. Even a glimpse makes the family jewels crawl up into my totally ripped abs but I don't know why.

Minority Gangs

Why do minorities (you know who you are) have to swarm into the gym in weightlifting herds? Like 10 of them will stand in a circle, watching some fag bench 130 pounds and when he's done with his 3 reps, they all cheer like he just pulled a train a mile with his ball sack? I can't figure this one out. They'll be at the gym for 3 hours and spend almost all of it watching their faggy buddies push miniscule amounts of weight around. Of course, they all watch soccer day and night so they're probably used to bein' bored out of their tiny brains.

Chain Gang Dudes

These dudes are not to be messed with. Even Butch and I stay away because they've clearly spent much of their time gettin' ripped in front of a bunch of poon-starved maniacs behind 10 rows of barbed wire. We may be just as ripped and huge as these dudes but we're clearly not nearly as batshit crazy. Not that I wonder about why they're huge. If I was a weakling and you threw me into the pokey with a bunch of muscle dudes who forgot the difference between poon and ass, I'd bulk up quick.

Veterans

This is the group that Butch and I fall into...but it's not that simple. There are some sub-categories here:

Totally Ripped - Guess who this is? These dudes are the kings of the gym. They're huge, ripped, lift enormous amounts of weight and keep bulking up even when it doesn't look like it's possible. Everyone else steers clear because they know it's an honor to even be found in the same room with them. Watch and learn, twerps, watch and learn. Note: Chain Gang Dudes usually fall into this category too.
Big and Fat - These dudes strut around the gym in their lame-ass "Gold's Gym" t-shirts with the sleeves cut off. They think they're pros cause, like 10 years ago, they used to be able to wear those shirts without lookin' like overweight kangaroos or some shit. Dudes can usually keep from embarrassing themselves on the bench but their arms jiggle and they've clearly thrown in the towel when it comes to doing anything that makes them sweat.

3. Marginally Ripped - They don't have the size and you can't respect the weights they lift but they look like they could run a mile without puking or beat up most non-veterans. I don't mind having these dudes around but I'm not going to give them so much as a nod when they walk by.
So, those are the major groups of dudes you'll see at the gym. Stay tuned for Butch's article on gym etiquette and feel free to comment on any other types of dudes you might be seeing at your local gym. Keep pumpin', dudes.

Aerobic Workouts

2009-10-30T05:46:00.000-07:00

Weightlifting dudes usually hate to do anything but lift weights. You can tell who they are at the gym. They're the ones who just look fat because they may be kinda big but they've got a thick layer of fat over their muscles...like a sea lion or whatever. Me? I'm huge, yes, but I'm totally ripped and you can't look like that by just lifting weights and drinking oceans of Muscle Milk.

So, you have to do something aerobic. Let's go through the different aerobic training activities, sort out which one is the only one that makes sense and then I'll tell you how to not look like a big sissy doing it.

1. Stationary Bike - Get real, dudes. Nobody's going to tell you you can look like a he-man riding a friggin' bike. Plus, one of the many reasons I spend so much time at the gym is so when most of the world is dead because of some asteroid or whatever, I'm going to be having the time of my life because the huge dudes and in-shape babes are the ones who're gonna keep kickin'. Plus, say you're out in the middle of the woods alone and you need to get somewhere fast. You think you're gonna have your bike with you? No. You're a goner and you know where you're gonna end up? In Bambi's fuckin' stomach, that's where.

2. Stair Stepper - Besides looking like a faggy loser on these things, the only way climbing stairs is going to save your ass is if there's a huge flood and you happen to be in the Empire State Building. Total waste of time.

3. Rowing Machine - Rowing machines are cool and I have to admit that I do this sometimes because you never know when you might be stranded in a canoe in the middle of the ocean. Plus, it works your upper body like mad and you look like a total stud doing it. It's the only aerobic exercise that let's you flex like all the time. I try to row a few times a week, especially if there are hot babes around.

4. Treadmill - The best aerobic exercise out there by far and the one that's going to help you survive the best when that asteroid hits...but it's not about gettin' on and just doing your thing. You gotta do it right. Otherwise, you look like a world-class wuss. Some losers tell me that the treadmill hurts their knees. To this, I say suck it up and read Butch's post on relieving knee pain. You'll thank us for it.

My tips for running on the treadmill:

1. No WALKING! No WALKING! You look like old man Sanford if you walk and nobody's gonna respect you. If you wanna walk, you might as well stroll to the Lane Bryant or some shit and get yourself some panties that say who you really are...make sure they've got pixies or flowers or whatever on them because that really says what you're all about.

2. Set the speed to at least 8.5 miles per hour no matter what kinda shape you're in. That's the best way to get totally great at running. You know why? Because if you set it there and you don't keep running fast, you're gonna get treadmill marks all up your ugly mug and you'll look like a fool in front of all the smokin' hotties.

3. Hit that thing hard. If the wimpy losers across the gym can't hear that thing thump thump thumpin', you're not doing it right. You gotta run HARD or you might as well skip on the thing and look like the fairy you are.

4. Run for at least thirty minutes so everybody knows you're at the gym to get totally ripped. When I start getting really tired (which hardly ever happens), I like to grunt on every stride. My swami tells me that grunting keeps the air going to your rippling muscles and they need air or they'll totally lose their shit.

5. Do this at least 8 times a week.

I hope this helps some of you weights-only fatties.

Keep pumpin', dudes.

10 Reasons It Sucks Being Huge and Ripped

2009-10-30T05:06:00.000-07:00

You know, a lot of twerps think stuff like "Oh, if I could only be musclebound, life would be awesome." That's true. It is awesome. But what those twerps need to realize is that looking like Butch and me isn't always a bowl of chocolate-covered whey protein. There's some bad shit about it too. I'm going to give you my top ten list of reasons that being huge and ripped isn't as awesome as some twerps think it is...But don't get me wrong. It is awesome!

10. Now I couldn't give two turds what guys think but some girls think that just because you're a monster, you don't have a brain. That can work against you when you try snagging some tail but I'll be honest. Most of the girls who are so caught up on brains aren't worth chasing anyway.

9. Gay dudes are always eying the goods.

8. People are always askin' you to do stuff like lift boats, beat up their wife's boyfriend, or pick up cars so they can change their tire or some shit.

7. You need to get all your clothes tailored because most clothes are built for skinny twerps and big fat blob dudes, not hulking mountains of muscle like Butch and me.

6. Twerps are always picking fights with you but you can't thump them because then the hotties think you're some kinda evil Hulk or whatever because it's such an unfair fight.

5. Kids are scared shitless of you. Now, I don't really like kids anyway but my sisters got a couple and it's really a drag at Thanksgiving.

4. You can't get a speeding ticket without 20 cops showin' up.

3. It's hard to keep a girlfriend cause you're always gettin' so much attention from other hotties and they get jealous.

2. It's hard to get your blood pressure taken cause that band thing doesn't fit around your humungous arms.

1. Always being the "after" picture get's old.

Keep pumpin'!

Pete

Tattoos

2009-10-28T11:45:00.000-07:00

A lot of dudes have been writing in, asking me about tattoos and how I feel about them. One dude said he wasn't sure if it drew the necessary attention to his pythons or if it made him look less ripped.

Dude didn't send me a picture of his arm so I can't really tell for sure but here's my take: if you're as huge as say, me, it doesn't matter. My big debate about getting a tattoo was that I didn't know if my pythons might distract people from the tattoo and then what's the sense in getting a tattoo, right?

But I kept hearing that he-man voice inside me saying, "He-man, tats are the shit," and you can't ignore the he-man voice. It's like bein' a cereal killer or some shit. Those voices are telling them to kill hookers or whatever but mine was telling me to get inked and I couldn't say no.

Then, I had to decide which arm it was gonna go on. I settled on my left because I like to hang my arm out the window of my totally suped-up, low-riding Civic and I thought it would look cool.

By now, you probably guessed that I got a tattoo ages ago. It was so long ago that I don't even remember when it was...even though it looks pretty new. It's not. Hear that, Butch? Not new.

So, why did I get a tattoo? Here are some of the reasons:

1. To draw attention to my ginormous pipes, of course.

2. To be different (barbed wire, baby, barbed wire). Nothing makes you stand out in a crowd like a barbed wire tattoo. Here's a picture of a barbed wire tattoo on a weakling so you get an idea of how lame it is.

....pussy

3. To let everybody know I'm tough as, well, barbed wire...which is pretty fuckin' tough. If you've ever grabbed it or wrapped it around your bicep or whatever, you'd know, except I doubt most people have the balls to grab barbed wire, much less wrap it around their arm.

4. It shows commitment. Hotties like commitment. They like to see that you can commit to something...like a string of barbed wire around your pipe that'll still be there when you're shitting your pants in a wheelchair. It tells them you're not afraid of eternity or some shit.

I guess what I'm sayin' is that a tat can be a good idea for the right dude. If you're a puny twerp like most guys, you're better off staying away. Instead, I would suggest a forehead tattoo that says "WEAKLING".

In case you're slow or whatever, here it is in a nutshell:
Don't get a tattoo unless you're huge and ripped.

Keep pumpin' dudes...maybe you'll get big enough to wear a radical tattoo like Pete Puma.

Buns of Steam

2009-10-27T05:41:00.000-07:00

The other day, Butch and I were hogging all the weights at the gym for our massive bench pressing session. At one point, just as Butch was about to manhandle the weight off his chest, he let one totally rip (I tweeted about it and lost several followers as a result - prudes) and I laughed so hard I thought my abs were going to cut my stomach wide open....until I smelled it...That's when I thought I was going to up-chuck the three gallons of muscle milk I just chugged.

Well, Butch went on and on about how everybody lets rip at the gym. You just can't hear it over Miley Cyrus jammin' through the Rip House's state of the art stereo system. I didn't believe him then but...

Apparently, Butch used his "rest" time to comb the Internets looking for proof that farts and pumpin' iron are like French women and hairy armpits.

So, anyways, here's Butch's proof on that topic. Enjoy.

All About the Steam Room at the Gym

2009-10-22T03:40:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite things to do after an intense workout lifting an Empire State Building's worth of steel, is to take a long steam in the Rip House's state of the art steam room. Some people tell me I'm crazy (which is true, but not for this reason) to work out as hard as I do, sweat like a really fat dude in a down coat in the summer and then step into a 200 degree room buck naked.

I can't explain it myself but my swami told me that it cleans out the pores and gets rid of the toxins I breathe in, living so close to a landfill. I believe him because he wouldn't be a swami if he didn't know this shit. If you don't have a swami, friends, you'd be doing yourself a huge favor to get one post haste.

I also like it because it boosts my confidence (as if I needed that), seeing all these fat dudes with their shriveled little doodads sweatin' it out, wishing they weren't so weak and flabby. These dudes are always looking out of the corners of their eyes at me, probably wondering how I get so friggin' buff. To that, I say, work...hard fuckin' work...and mountains of creatine and whey protein.

I have a couple of pointers for those of you who don't know how to act in a steam room:

1. Never wear a towel. Don't even go in with one. Some stupid dudes will tell you that there are diseases and shit on those benches but I read once that wood kills bacteria in like three milliseconds so don't worry about that. The soaps they use to wash towels can soak into your skin and fill your body full of toxins as fast as you're getting rid of them...another piece of advice from my swami.

2. Look down before you sit or step anywhere. Some dudes must take liquid soap or something into those places because I've seen globs of it in there sometimes. Shit's slippery and it feels weird on your rump.

3. Don't fart. That smell takes like three hours to clear out of a steam room so, even if you're alone, anyone who comes in for the next three hours is going to feel like they stepped into a steamroom-sized version of your asshole. Do unto others, I always say. If you don't believe it, read the kama sutra sometime. That Jesus guy knows what's what and he can thump you even though he looks like a wiry sissy with that long girly hair.

4. Stay in the steam for at least 90 minutes and don't talk about hot babes or anything because, if you're built like me, you could wind up poking somebody's eye out.

5. Finally, and I can't stress this enough: If there's someone else in there when you saunter in, sit down right next to them. Otherwise, they think you think there's something wrong with them. Lots of eye contact, back patting and slaps on the knees lets them know that everything's cool and nobody's gonna get hurt. Dudes need to learn to be sociable.

Keep pumpin', dudes.

Three weightlifting injuries and the Homeopathic Cures

2009-10-20T06:57:00.000-07:00

3 Weightlifting injuries and some Homiopathic cures

Sore/Swollen Knees

I’ve been personnel training for over 10 years now and the number one complaint I get is my knees hurt. Well of course your knees hurt, you’ve been sitting on that flabby ass for well over half your life! One squat can send some of these milk toasts crying home to there mamas. The good news is theres help. I don’t care if its a sharp pain, swelling, stiffness or any other knee bullshit just take out your handy tube of preparation H and swab it on those boney knees. You’ll be surprised at the relief, not to mention the reduced swelling.

Testicle pain (just for the men)

We all know that if your doing the gym properly and giving it 200 % , there will be days that the old testi’s feel sore. Squats and intense lunges can certainly hurt your hidden treasures. Once again I bring you help! My body Franco from southern Italy taught me this one. Mix in a soup bowl; 4 cups of water, 1 cup of milk(not skim), 1 tray of ice , and two tablespoons of guldens spicy brown mustard. Once mixed, just squat down and submerge your bad boys in this Italian bowl of relief.

Tennis elbow

I don’t know why weightlifters can get something caused by tennis but they do. If you don’t know what tennis elbow is let me exlplain; lifting anything makes your elbow hurt like fuck! Once again, to the rescue. This remedy is called the chicken wrap and is a peace of cake to do. Buy a whole chicken, carefully removes its skin and wrap that pimply skin around the elbow in question. This might take several chickens but you won’t regret it.

Keep on Pumpin!
Butch

How To Tell If That Babe At the Gym Is Interested In You

2009-10-19T06:36:00.000-07:00

For me, it's pretty simple. Of course she is. For most guys at the gym, the guys who aren't ripped beyond belief, it's a little harder.

First off, let me just explain that if that chick on the treadmill is looking in your direction and there are no other ripped dudes around you, she's probably wondering what you'd look like naked. That's a good first step. Curiosity is key.

Secondly, girls aren't as into looks as guys...that's why pretty much all the people buying Playgirl are gay dudes. So, if you're thinking about becoming a model, don't model for Playgirl unless you want a bunch of rump rangers beatin' it to your goods. Since girls aren't as into looks, you can't just have a muscle here or there. You have to go over the top and become absolutely tremendous and poppin' with muscle. That makes the girls who don't usually go for looks into you. If you don't happen to have a really good looking face, you're going to have to work a little harder so their eyes can't even get to your ugly mug...they're just ogling your huge pecs and biceps. You're the male equal to a butter face.

I'd continue with "thirdly" but I don't have anything for that...So it's real easy to remember. If it's a girl and it's lookin' in your direction at the gym and you're totally huge and ripped, she's interested, plain and simple.

The next part is a little more complicated. Now that you know she's interested (as I always do), you have to take the next step because girls aren't like guys. Their parents told them when they weren't even legal that coming on to a guy is what sluts do and most girls don't want to act like sluts until you start dating them. So, there are a couple of ways I go about this...depending on what they look like:

Butt ugly: What are you thinking about, dude? Move on...There's no time in life for butt ugly chicks. There's plenty of fish in the sea and they don't all look like skates and hackleheads. Even if you look like somebody slapped the head of the elephant man on your neck, as long as you're huge and ripped, you can do better.

OK Looking: These are the easiest because they're not terrible to look at but they're really flattered when muscle-dude shows any interest at all. To them, it's like you walked up with a suitcase full of money and asked them if they wanted it. You can pretty much hit them with whatever line you feel like because, unless they're gay, they're going to act like you said something as smooth as one of those rocks that's been rolling around in the surf for a thousand years or whatever.

I usually go for something like, "I can tell that bod's been to the gym like a million times. Did you just start coming to the Rip House?" Even if you've seen this chick a million times before, lie about it, and if your gym isn't called The Rip House, switch that out with the name of your gym They'll be too swoony to wonder why you never noticed them before anyway. Plus, remember, this chicks been lookin' at you wishing you'd come over for what probably seems like a century to her. OK chicks are like the peanuts in Cracker Jacks, dude. You may not really want them that much but you're going to get 'em every time you pour some out...and they're better than nothing.

Smokin': This is the trickiest of all. Sometimes, spotting a hot girl at the gym is like going on some kinda expedition for the yeti or some shit. Imagine not even just seeing a yeti but DATING it! Hard as shit but usually worth it. The problem with these chicks is that a zillion guys have already tried and failed.

They may have a dude who's almost as ripped as you and a lot of times, they're just as horny as you and they'll leave you for another guy almost as soon as you get them anyway. My advice is to practice with the OK looking chicks for a while. Picking up smokin' chicks is a subject for an entire book. The good news is that I'm not only a pro at being ripped and huge, I'm also a pro at baggin' the hotties. So, keep coming back to To the Chest to get some incredible tips on pickin' up total babes. I'm gonna be doing a whole post on that one.

Keep pumpin', dudes.

This picture has nothing to do with the article but it's funny as shit anyways...

Pete

To the Chest Wants You to Stop Being Such a Twerp

2009-10-16T07:00:00.000-07:00

me: Word up.

Butch Suede: Lets talk suplements.

me: Or we could talk about what "To The Chest" means.

Butch Suede: Okay

me: Well, first off, let's just say that if you're claiming to bench a certain weight but you're not touching the bar to your chest, you're a big fairy.

Butch Suede: You couldn't be more correct Pete. Nothing gets me more pissed off then seeing guys doing partial presses at the gym.

me: If I wasn't so into getting ripped and more into bragging about how many plates I was loading, I'd be benching 800 fucking pounds.

Butch Suede: That's awesome. I hate weak dudes. As far as I'm concerned, if you ain't benching 220 don't even come to a gym (Unless your a chick, then 130). Have some pride men!

me: You guys should skip on down to your local sports store and get some weights for your pathetic trailers. When you can bring 220 down to your chest, then you can come down to The Rip House and be the weakest dude in the place.

Butch Suede: Ha! If their bird legs are strong enough to carry them. Thank god my trailer days are behind me.

me: By the way, Butch, our workout yesterday was totally sick. I felt like my pecs were going to rip my lift shirt wide open. You were makin' that bar scream, dude.

Butch Suede: Dude I am the prince of presses!! You don't look like me unless you toe the line, 24/7 at the gym.

me: 'Nuf said. I'm right there next to ya, dude. I got your back fo sho.

Butch Suede: The Rip House is definetely the greatest gym in the world and you are the most awesome spotter. We definetely can share some of our expertice with any one who reads this blog.

me: Sorry about gettin' too close on your 10th set, by the way...didn't mean to give you front row seats to the Jewel concert, if you know what I mean.

Butch Suede: HA!!1 It was like a Jewel concert with nuts!!

me: Forget it, dude. I don't pump iron with you cause you're smart. Anyway, unless you weaklings don't get it, To the Chest is about pumping iron, gettin' ripped and making losers cower when you walk in the room. We're like friggin' pros when it comes to lookin' huge.

Butch Suede: We are the who, what and where of lifting.

me: Speaking of people cowering...Did you see that puny twerp run the other way when you stepped out of the shower the other day? He looked like a cockroach next to you, dude.

Butch Suede: Envy compadre Envy. It was like Horshack in the presence of Adonis.

Butch Suede: Why isn't it ever an excellent chick standing there when I walk out of the shower! My biceps were bigger than that dudes whole family! What a joke.

me: That happened to me once, dude! Only she wasn't really excellent. I think she was emotionally scarred though...so, that's something at least.

Butch Suede: She's probally still dreamin about you and if not she probally eats at the YWCA.

me: True dat. Anyway, twerps, start following this blog if you want to be ripped and huge. In a week or so, we'll be posting some workout tips that'll make those bench press posers kneel at your feet and beg you not to thump their puny asses. Butch and I have to get to the gym...it closes in five hours.

Butch Suede: Keep on pumpin!

me: That's what she said! AND I DID