Awesomeness Retreat

A lot of fuckheads've been writing in askin' what the fuck's up with our blog cause nothin's been posted in like five fuckin' days.  First of all, I wanna let you assholes know that it's an awesome idea to look at our site every couple a days cause we usually try to put shit up at least every other fuckin' day...which is like a crash fuckin' course in awesomeness, dudes.

Business in the front, party in the back, dudes.  Awesome.

You twats who've been comin' around regular musta realized that To The Chest is the best fuckin' way to get huge, ripped and awesome fast as shit.  And that's cool.  Only thing is, you're probably not tellin' your asshole friends about us cause you're like those hot chicks who hang out with ugly fuckin' cunts to make themselves look even hotter.

Well, cut the shit, you losers.  Start postin' our site's address all over the fuckin' place: Twitter, My Space, Facebook, whatever gay shit you use to tell your butt buddies all the shit they don't even wanna know about you.  And while you're doin' your gay Facebook shit, shoot me a friend request so I can give your ass some one-on-one awesomeness lessons and shit.

So, anyways, the reason Butch and I haven't posted shit in a few days is that we went on our yearly "Awesomeness Retreat" last week.  We do that shit every year for a couple a reasons.

1. To get closer to our inner awesomeness.
2. To get more awesome.

Now, I know you twerps are probably thinkin' "There's no fuckin' way those dudes can get MORE awesome," but you'd be dead fuckin' wrong cause awesomeness is like hugeness or rippedness...you can never be too awesome, huge or ripped cause that shit's like the fuckin' solar system...it goes on for fuckin' infinity and shit.

Who knew the solar system was so fuckin' crowded?

So, what's the awesomeness retreat all about and how do you have one?  Well, if you didn't know that all retreats happen in the fuckin' woods out in the middle of nowhere, you're a stupid asshole cause that's the only place you can have a retreat.

 Butch and I drive for like 2 hours, park my awesome low-ridin' Civic on the side of the road and run into the woods non-stop for like three hours.  That doesn't sound like much of a workout but we each carry two cases of Muscle Milk so that shit makes it harder.  We also take a couple a jars of vaseline cause all that runnin' can make your fuckin' nipples bleed, dude.

Once we're sure we're in the middle of Yeti country, we start our awesomeness exercises.

1. Kill a deer with our bare hands - You gotta be super fuckin' stealthy and shit for this one cause deers are real shy and whatever.  You gotta hide behind a tree like a ninja and when a deer comes walkin' along, you jump out, grab its neck and strangle the fucker to death.  Extra points if the thing has horns and shit.

2. Punch a tree to death - Sometimes it's hard to tell when it's dead cause it doesn't breathe and shit but punchin' trees is awesome exercise and killin' shit helps you feel more alive or whatever.

This faggot couldn't kill a fuckin' shoe tree but you get the idea.

3. Wrestle 3 times a day to see who's more awesome.

4. Have a rock eating contest - Most assholes don't know this but rocks are filled with awesome minerals and shit that you don't get from Muscle Milk.  Rocks are like the 8th food group and shit.

Try not to look as gay as these dudes when you eat your rocks. Nice turd cutter in the background tho.

We do other shit but I don't wanna tell you all the crap cause then you'll know all our secrets to awesomeness and we don't just give that shit away.  You gotta take private lessons from us and then we'll tell you how to get almost as awesome as us.

If you wanna do a retreat like ours, you'll have to follow a few rules:

1. No chicks, dude.  Just two dudes.  No chicks cause chicks, no matter how hot they are, just don't fuckin' get how a dude becomes more awesome.
2. No sleeping bags, tents, extra clothes...just Muscle Milk and vaseline.  The fuckin' end.
3. You gotta stay out there for at least 3 days and 3 nights.
4. If one of you dies, the other one has to eat him and then tell everyone at home he just fuckin' disappeared and you don't know what happened to him.

Follow those rules, do our awesomeness exercises and make up a few of your own and you'll be on your way to supreme fuckin' awesomeness, dudes.

Keep pumpin'!