Dear Pete, Volume 1

Between automatic Twitter DMs from assholes I've decided to follow and questions from readers about how to be huge, ripped and awesome, my mailbox is pretty fuckin' full.  The gmail losers gave me a jingle the other day to tell me that I was "approaching the maximum" of space I could use up on their pussy servers so I figured I'd clear some of that shit out by answering a few questions.

Dear Pete: When I'm putting weights on the bar before I bench press, I like to put them on so the writing on the plates faces inside.  Does that matter in my training? - Backwards in Boise
Listen, Backwards: You're fucking kidding me, right?  Let me tell you a story.  Some cunt I used to know decided he was going to wear his douchebag t-shirts backwards every fuckin' day.  Did that make him naked?  Nope.  Was he colder?  Nope.  Actually, the only thing it did was let everyone around him know that he was a fuckin' douchebag who should be beaten to a pulp.  I was the lucky guy who did that and I'll do the same shit to you if I catch you puttin' those plates writing-side in.  So, to answer your question: it doesn't make any difference to your training but it's going to have a super-negative effect on your face if I catch you doin' that shit.

Dear Pete: How far down should I bring the bar when I do bench presses? - Wimpy in Walla Walla
Listen, Wimpy: Maybe you're a little fuckin' slow or you've turned your brain to jell-o watching gay porn but I'd like to point you to the name of our fuckin' blog.  "To The Chest" refers to the fact that if you're doing a bench press and you don't touch the bar to your chest, you're a big fuckin' fairy.  And if you don't bring it down all the way and you're prancing around telling people you can bench whatever was on the bar, you're a big lying fuckin' fairy.  Next.

You probably don't have 4 fuckin' arms like this dude but you get the idea.

Dear Pete: I've been doing lunges lately to give my leg muscles some size and tone but they don't seem to be helping.  Do you have any suggestions? - Lunging in Lexington
Listen, Lunging: First, it's 'definition' not 'tone'.  'Tone' makes you sound like a fairy.  Second, lunges are for chicks and gay dudes.  If you're one of them, then put some heavy fuckin' weights in your hands and carry on until you get knocked up or die from anal herpes or some shit.  If you're not either one of those, do squats, and do 'em with shitloads of weight on the bar.  If your knees don't feel like someone's stickin' a butcher knife in 'em, you're not doin' enough weight.

Dear Pete: There's a guy at the gym I think is really cute and I think he's caught me looking at him a few times but he hasn't come over to me.  How can I get him to pay attention to me? - Hot Chick Who Wants Dick
Listen, Hot Chick: You're either an ugly whore or this dude's hidin' the sausage in the steam room...or both.  A good lookin' chick starin' at a straight dude is going to get dicked every fuckin' time so there's some shit you're not sharing...so now, I'm guessing you're probably a lying ugly whore.  You should probably start your dildo collection now if you haven't already.  I wouldn't bet on anything warm in your snatch for a while.

Dear Pete: I keep notes on every one of my workouts in a notebook.  I lost that notebook last week and I'm completely lost without it.  What should I do? - Forgetful in Fresno
Listen, Forgetful: If you're so fuckin' stupid that you can't remember what you lifted last session, you've got way bigger problems than a lost fuckin' notebook...you're like that Blaster dude in Beyond Thunderdome or whatever.  My advice to you is to try and find some shrink who can try and make you smarter or tattoo your weights backwards on your forehead so when you look in the mirror at your gay gym, you'll see what you should be lifting.

Dear Pete: What supplements should I be taking to give me the best results? - Curious in Quebec
Listen, Forgetful: It's hard as shit to figure out which supplements work the best when you're takin' every fuckin' one of 'em.  More than half the money I make transforming twerps into ripped studs goes to buyin' supplements.  I get some shit from GNC or whatever but most of the shit is Internet-only, ya dig?  My advice to you is to burn Butch's muscle building shake's recipe into your puny brain and drink that shit 3 or 4 times a day at least.  You'll be huge or dead within a month.  Guaranteed.  Either way, you'll probably be better off.

I'd love to answer more of your stupid questions but my schedule is busy as shit, dudes.  If you assholes have pics or questions, send the shit in to tothechest@gmal.com and I'll try to help out.

Keep pumpin', dudes.