Old Folks Home

Let me just start this post by telling you that a while back, Butch and I got into a little trouble.  Let's just say that it didn't lead to any jail time but that the judge was creeped out enough to give us a healthy dose of community service for our "crime".   And don't get me started on that pussy of a lawyer we had.... might as well have been beatin' his meat in the courtroom.  Fuckin' useless.

Crabby old dyke

Anyway, long story short, we ended up doin' some fucked up exercise program for crusty old farts at an ancient folks home in our town to make that skank of a judge happy.  I guess she saw how fuckin' ripped we were and decided that we had to do something that had something to do with bein' ripped.  She talked some shit about it bein' the only thing we maybe knew something about and when I tried to tell her how awesome we were at baggin' hotties, she slammed the fuckin' hammer on the bench and tossed our asses out of there.  Teachin' wimpy twerps how to bag tail doesn't count as community service, I guess.  Too bad about that shit cause teachin' those half-dead geezers anything about gettin' huge is like teachin' a cop how to not be a douchebag.

Like this shit's going to get you ripped.  What a joke.

Our first day at the fogey farm was rough.  First of all, there's not a fuckin' weight bench to be found in the place and all they had was these little dumbells I could've swallowed when I was two.  So Butch and I had no clue what to do cause there was no way we were gonna get those wrinkly sacks of skin ripped with those piddly weights.  Butch was thinkin' that we could get some of the dudes who weren't totally wimpy to bench some of the old biddies.  Those faggy nurses put the keebosh on that quick though.

So, here are some of the do's and don'ts Butch and I learned:

1. DON'T - When you're rappin' with the dudes who run the joint, don't bitch about the smell or call the place a "waiting room for hell" or whatever.  It makes the convos go a little smoother and shit.

2. DO - NOT assume that just cause some old grandma has no teeth, she gives a good hummer.  Just kiddin', dudes.  Now's a good time to remind you that only hotties get to touch the goods.  That's a hard and fast rule Butch and I have and it's a good thing cause we've gotten more than a few skeevy offers...and some of them were from old DUDES!

3. DON'T - When you're teaching some old fucker how to throw a punch, don't tell 'em to pretend their pillow is a nurse, especially when there's a nurse in the room.  That pisses them off for some reason and clues them in to how much these old dudes hate them.

4. DO - NOT use a walker to teach dips.  First of all, these fossils can't do one.  Second, it makes them crap their pants when they try.  Don't ask me why.

5. DON'T -  yell shit like "squeak another one out, you pussy" or "run faster, death's right behind you".  That shit pisses the visitors off.

6. DO - NOT assume fogies know what it means to "tap out".  Half these fuckers can't tell a pile of shit from a meatloaf.  Plus, they pass out real easy.

7. DON'T - help these fuckers escape know matter how much they promise to pay you.  First of all, they don't carry shit for money and second, they don't know where the fuck to go.

8. DO - NOT get all in their faces if they don't say anything back when you're talkin' to 'em and shit.  I guess some of them don't say shit to anybody, like some stuck-up bitch.  That's just the way they roll and no amount of screaming at them is gonna change that.  Fucked up.

9. DO - accept the fact that fuckers in these places consider EVERYTHING "exercise".  It's fucked up.  Gettin' up to take a dump is like a day's workout for these geezers.

10. DON'T - Just because these fossils are allowed to say shit like "wet back", "kike bastard" and "bull dyke" and talk all sorts of shit to the nurses without gettin' the snot beat out of them doesn't mean that you can do it too.  I guess the fogies get special treatment or whatever.

Keep pumpin', dudes.