Dudes & Chicks at the Gym, Part 2, The Chicks

I have to tell you that I had a hard time with part one of this post because if there's one thing ripped dudes hate to do, it's to talk about other guys cause it's hard not to sound like a gay dude when you do it.

Now, part 2, this should be pretty easy because I'm good at almost everything but the two things I'm better at than everything else is lifting weights and baggin' chicks and that's mostly because I know everything there is to know about both.

Before I get started, I just want to let you ladies know that one of the many services we provide for The Rip House is chick body evaluations.  So, if you wanna send in a picture of yourselves, we'll evaluate you and let you know what category you fall into.  We can't post naked pictures on the blog because of the fact that we're a family operation and we've got a bunch of kids visiting and shit, comprende?  If you feel the need to send naked pics, just know that our responses will be private and you are responsible for any damage to our keyboards.

So, let's get started, huh?

1. Old Hags 

• Anorexic Grandma - This might be the most frightening spectacle at the gym.  Bones, wrinkles, more bones and tights.  I'm shivering right now.  These chicks are usually way too fuckin' flexible and it makes you want to barf because they make you think you're seein' shit you shouldn't be seein' even if you can't really see it (freaky, dude).  I can't write anymore about this because computers break when you toss your cookies on them.  I know.
  

• Too Little, Way Too Late - You wonder why these chicks are even at the gym at all, like they couldn't find anything better to do with their husband's pension check than to join a fuckin' gym.  To these "ladies", I say, "Die, already.  You're blocking my view of the bangable hotty workin' her groin."

2. The-Chick-Who-Was-Hot-But-Just-Had-a-Kid-and-Needs-To-Work-Like-Fuck-To-Get-Back-In-Shape Chick
Now, I have no problem if some chick wants to go and ruin herself with a rugrat as long as she isn't on my list of chicks I intend to bang at some later date.  Some chicks, like Heidi Klum, are immune to the bad shit that happens to babes who have kids (like werewolves and regular bullets) but most of you ladies can kiss your hotness goodbye as soon as you piss on that stick and it gives you the bad news.

3. The-Never-Was-Hot-But-Wants-To-Make-A-Go-of-It Chick
Yeah, I know.  Everybody wants their couple of seconds of hotness but some chicks just weren't meant to have it.  I think it's cool if they want to give it a shot but I'll let you in on a little secret as long as you don't tell a fuckin' soul...If you spend the first 20 something years of your life looking like some sort of mutant earth pig, the gym isn't gonna change that.  Let's face it...you ladies are at the gym only to make everyone suffer with your ugly mugs.  Plus, a pig with muscles is just gross.  Don't wear tight clothes and act like you've got a chance with me and everything will be fine.  Butch may want to knock boots with you though because his standards are super-low. (Hear that, Butch?  Just kiddin', buddy-boy)

See?  STILL not bangable.



4. The-Chick-Who-Looks-Like-She-Spent-The-Last-30-Years-In-A-Bacon-Factory-and-Took-Her-Pay-In-Bacon Chick
These are the fat chicks who think that, because they lost like 30 pounds, they can strut around in spandex body suits.  Let me tell you something.  If you were 300 pounds and you lose 30, you're still a fat pig and no one wants to see your rolls sloshing around.  These are the chicks who ruin my mental image of the Rip House's ladies locker room.

5. The-Horrendous-Hag-Face-Attached-To-A-Smokin-Hot-Bod Chick (Butter Face)
I feel fuckin' horrible for these chicks.  I do.  I hardly feel bad for starving kids but I feel like shit for these broads.  They work the shit out of the gym and they can probably beat the piss out of most of the pussies doin' half-benches but, when push comes to shove, a gargoyle face is a gargoyle face.  Sure, they may get a bang or two out of the desperate twerps at the gym but that's where it's probably gonna end because, let's face it, you can't go to dinner and a movie naked without getting arrested and that kills the butter face's chances at a regular bang from just about any dude.  My advice is to go somewhere that blind dudes hang out and hope they never come up with a cure for fucked up eyes or whatever.

6. The Reverse Butter Face
These are chicks who have bodies that Satan thought up and a face on the good side of 'eh'.  Butch thinks I'm gay as shit for even mentioning this chick because any chick who doesn't have a body made for bonin' is like fuckin' invisible to that musclebound stud.  Me?  I'm sensitive.  I don't feel so bad for these chicks because there's some hope for them unless, of course, they were born to have itty-bitties and an ass as wide as the U.S.S. Whatever.  Still, there's plastic surgery and everybody knows that huge hooters make up for an awful lot, fake or not.

7. The-Full-Package-Chick
Two words for you, dude:  spank bank.  It's only a matter of time before I make a move or two on this brand of hotty because it's not like seein' twerps posing in the Rip House mirrors.  These chicks are fuckin' hard to find.  You gotta make your move when you spot one.  I could give a whole 10 year long class on how to bag 'em but I can't waste my time doin' that shit when I've got my own needs if you know what I mean.  I'll post a couple of tips some other time.  Just know that I'm not gonna let you in on the super-secret crap because that shit's fuckin' confidential or whatever.

Awww, Christ.  Anybody got a tissue?

Keep pumpin', dudes!